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Linz822
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Name: Linz
Birthday: 8/22/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: chilling with my friends, ice skating, movies, bonfires, field hockey, writing, listening to music, polka dots, partying, going on the boat, beaches, tanning, summer, snow
Message: message me
AIM:  Linz8229
Member Since:
4/6/2004
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| you know what i just realized. we're always going to be lindsay and mike, whatever that means at the time. | | |
| so a lot has happened since i last wrote. well i went for it all right. things seemed to be working out in the beginning sort of. we both had a lot of figuring out to do. one night we had been talking about relationships as we often do just to vent about how ridiculous they can be at times and out of no where he says "well what if i said i liked you and it ruined our entire friendship that we've built up and it made things awkward" then 5 seconds after it being completely silent because i was surprised and speechless he responds with i gotta go to bed, talk to you tomorrow and hangs up. so i called back, we had a long discussion and after 3 days he came to the conclusion that there was something there. he felt something for me that he didn't feel for anyone else. but of course, like most of my stories end, he went away, came back with all the answers i needed and none which included a relationship. he wants to be friends like we used to and for things to go back to the way they used to. to be honest with you, i was fine at first. to my surprise, no tears have been shed even though i sure do feel like crap at times. but our whole "friend" situation has been alright so far. the first time we saw eachother after the conversation including "i figured out what i wanted and that's not what i wanted. i was afraid to tell you because i didn't want to hurt you more than anything." so the first time was sort of awkward, i guess it was expected. but tonight i saw him for a little and things went quite well. we were joking how we used to. we also talked on the phone last night and i decided before i called him back i was just going ot act normal because on friday i made it completely obvious that i was still a little upset over the situation. how could i not be? he's an amazing guy and i thought that the fact that we were such great friends that would make us work. i still have confidence that we would work well together. i guess all i can do now is be happy with the great and amazing friendship we've got because it sure is something rare and special (minus the feelings). he told me that he's not going to just write off everything that we had because it does mean a lot to him and still does and hopes i will do the same. of course i want to write it all off, just forget the feelings or even forget him. but like always i won't. i care about him more than anything and the last thing i want is to be nothing to him. i know my friendship means a lot to him and i'd never leave him. i promised him that in my letter and i'm not one to break my promises. i promised i'd be there whether i was his friend or more than that because i truly do care about him. and he told me the only way our friendship would go down the drain is if i left. sure, i do want to leave. you don't know how bad i want to erase him from my entire life like i usually do but i can't. he just means so much to me and i don't ever want to hurt him. i want him to be so happy and i guess i'm happy that he told me the truth. i'm just scared i guess he let his fear take over and answer the question for him because i know him and i know that he's scared of having a relationship and getting close to someone but that sure doesn't mean we can't get close as friends. what do you call what we are now? maybe we're not that close but we sure are pretty close. i mean we've talked about almost everything. all i know is what i need right now is to get some sleep because ive got another wonderful day of work up ahead. i came to this conclusion weeks ago, but as long as he's happy, i'll be able to find some sort of happiness from that because i honestly do care about him more than anything. he's my best friend and even though it sucks we can't be more, i'm happy that these feelings didn't ruin what we had.
pc, linz
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| i just never will be good enough, will i? i'll never be good enough for my parents, friends, or anyone in particular. "i'm very disappointed in you" are words i hear probably every day. everything i do just never seems to satisfy anyone. i just want someone to care, someone to understand, but of course, for me i'm alone. no one cares, no one understands. no one understands how hard it is to focus on school when your grandma dies, your boyfriend enjoys making you cry all the time, your parents just don't care, your friends just disappear and the only ones that are left are the ones who will get you drunk and leave you in a parking lot alone. you feel lost, scared, sad and most of all alone. sure, i've now got some of the greatest friends in the world but i still don't feel it. i just feel empty and sad and im sick of it. what am i supposed to do? nothing seems to make me happy anymore. i thought i found something, someone who means a lot to me who always seems to put a smile on my face. i'm still debating whether to go for it or not. i hate how everyone says just do what your heart tells you. but does anyone think maybe your heart could be wrong? maybe this one little action could change your life forever? it may sound over dramatic to think one little kiss will change your life but i sorta think it could be true in some cases. you could lose a friend/friends. i guess i'm just always going to be alone.
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| so i'm sitting here, waiting for a stupid phone call. i know tonight is going to be a waste of time for the both of us if he does decide to call back...he's not going to get what he wants because i refuse to. the funny thing about him is i don't even really like him and i know he doesn't feel anything for me either. i still really hope he calls because i was planning on tonight being fun. i know i would drink, theres no doubt in my mind that i would-- i had a horrible day at work and im just stressed about that other guy. i really don't get him at all. i think i'm not the only one confused when it comes to me and him. sometimes when we're together, alone, i just want to lean in and kiss him. i'm not afraid of the whole kiss part, but what comes after. what if he doesnt feel anything..then i get hurt. but if he does feel something, then we've got a huge problem. he's leaving first of all, then theres a bigger problem than that. so i guess the consequences in this situation out weigh the advantages. so no kiss. i guess i just want to know how it feels to kiss someone you truly like. the feelings i had for jim, they just weren't real. how could they have been real...he never cared about me. it was a one way street with jim. but with him, he does care. he'd do anything for me. he wants me to be happy. letting him go isn't going to be as easy as i thought.
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| i'm sick of this. just sick of everything. why do i always put myself in these ridiculous situations. situations where you know there is absolutely no chance with a person but you still commit yourself fully to them. you think night and day about them regardless of how they feel about you. oh what a wonderful life i've got. it's funny because i think im finally over the last one and now im back to my old ways.why do i always like these guys--it's not that there is anything wrong with them. they are genuinely nice people. i guess these nice guys just don't like girls like me. maybe im just not pretty or smart enough. god only knows what i should do. and what i'm doing now really isn't fixing anything. its just a temporary fix to the emptiness i feel. even if this fix lasts for a few hours. the feeling of someone near me is just nice because for those hours, i feel wanted which i rarely feel anymore. maybe i should just call him, talk to him, get to know him more. but i know that will lead to stronger feelings on my part and possibly not his. i really care about him. i want him to just be happy. i love to see him smile and laugh, it makes me feel good. thats how i know these feelings are real. he's really sweet and nice. he cares way too much about everyone but himself. its the fact that he's honest and genuinely a nice guy that makes me attacted to him-not appearance or anything else like that. he makes me happy. i love being around him and talking to him. today when i saw him my heart started beating faster and i couldnt help but smile. i couldnt believe he went out of his way to see me. one thing i am sure of, our friendship is stronger than it ever has been. i'm really scared of him leaving. the ridiculous part of this is we talk better in person or on the phone rather than online. i dont know what i am going to do if our entire friendship is based on a stupid IM.
pc, linz
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